It has been a few days since I have written

Ugh, head congestion I hate it. I have been thinking a lot about life lately, the things I have done, the things I should have done, and the things I have/am done/doing that I should not be.

Something has taken me over. I have become some kind of sex fiend. I am always looking for a woman to sleep with and if none of the regulars are available I will just find a new one. Why do I do this? It is not fair to them, and certainly not fair to my wife. I have no idea why. I need to stop.

Something happened this weekend that makes me think the end of this is coming sooner rather than later. Piph came to me and said she wanted to start a relationship with someone else. I am ok with that. It takes some of the focus off of me and will make my inevitable departure easier.

I still can't decide if I love my wife anymore or not. When I am around her I feel numb at best. I used to look forward to coming home and seeing her, now I don't. She frustrates me. She asks me questions that she knows the answers to. She asks questions she is capable of figuring out on her own but it is just easier to repeatedly ask me. She does not listen to what I say, she injects meanings into things that were there nor ever intended.

She is so negative all the time. It is complete insanity trying to live with it. Everything I try she gives me a negative outlook on even before I try it. Why do I bother?

Today seems to be the same old same old. I don't feel so hot, I am annoyed by people, and really would just rather be alone.

I guess you could say today is NOT a good day.

Had a great weekend

Had a great weekend. Hung around, was lazy, and loved every minute of it. Sometimes I enjoy doing nothing. Have not had anything I have felt strongly enough about to write lately.

A recent life changing decision

I realized not too long ago that I was brought up in a family of things. This may sound like a strange way to describe it but it is what it is. I am not saying this is a bad thing I am just saying it caused inner conflict and I did not even know it. I realized recently my life struggles have been mostly due to my need for things.

Things were my goal. Things were how I measured my own success. I guess I just finally grew up and realized that things were by no means a measure of success.

As it turns out your own happiness is the measure of your success and I have not been happy in so long I had forgotten what it felt like.

Recently I had a chance to revisit something I had not done in 15 years. I got to jet ski. I had forgotten how much I loved the feel of the raw power. Oh the joy of slamming the throttle and having to hand on for dear life. The wind pushing your face back like you were in military flight training or something.

Thankfully I have a friend who cares enough to have invited me and I had the time of my life. The pain and stiffness over the next three to five days was unbelievable. I had forgotten how much of a workout riding is. Make no mistake it was worth every single ibuprofen and moan. I would do it again in a heart.

That last statement is what brings me to today. Well, actually, a couple of weeks ago. I decided I am getting rid of the house (things), moving into something small, very small, that is a rental. Hopefully I can find a cottage or a boat house or something.

I am going to take a large portion of the money that I save by doing this and am going to buy some toys. This is a great way for me to get healthy and get back to the point where I am happy again.

This is a scary thing and I am taking it one step at a time. More on this later.

Just had to get this down on paper so to speak so I could try it on and see how it feels. Something always seems to become a little more real when you write you it down.

It was a rough day today. Went to a funeral and was reminded just how short life really is. It causes me to contemplate the things I have done and things I have yet to do and makes me realize I need to get up off of my butt and do them.

I know so many people who have had cancer. Most of them thankfully have survived it but quite a few others have succumbed. I wish there was something I could do personally to help fight the war. Other than donating, volunteering, and trying to raise awareness what else can I do?

I feel so helpless against it. My heart goes out to all the people afflicted by this terrible illness.

I guess I should not be so down. I am here, I woke up this morning and the trip was a safe one. What else can I really ask for?

I guess I need to stop, take a look around, and be thankful for what I have.